It’s rare for a family
with multiple kids NOT to have at least some experience of sibling
rivalry. We have recently entered into the stage of bickering on top
of the usual fighting (twin 6yr old boys and a 2yr old boy). I checked the
definition of the word and yes, the boys definitely bicker:
Bicker - verb - 1. To argue about petty and trivial matters.
They have always fought but with Master 2yrs being so talkative
now the sibling rivalry has really turned up a notch. I thought it might be
interesting to do a bit more research into the subject, why siblings argue and
ways in which experts feel it ought to be dealt with – is there a more
scientific method than just sending kids to their rooms?
Kids fight for many reasons – generally though, they don’t just
fight because one toy is better than another or one piece of cake is
bigger. Instead, the majority of fights arise due to underlying causes
such as birth order and family dynamics. Competing desires for
your attention and differences in developmental stages can lead to moments of
jealousy or misunderstanding and most of the causes of these, such as age
difference or temperament, are impossible to change, which unfortunately makes
sibling rivalry inevitable. That said, just like everything else in
childhood, the underlying reason why siblings fight is that they need to learn
something. So what are they learning as part of the fighting
process?
Siblings are of equal status when it comes to the love of their
parents and the rules that govern life in their family. Teaching
each other tolerance, and “give and take” (even when they don’t want to!) is a
great exercise in learning to love someone even when they don’t like what the
person did. Your child’s relationship with their siblings acts as
their first opportunity to develop skills such as kindness, tolerance, patience
and most of all, conflict resolution.
As a parent, our initial instincts tend to be to try to stop the
fighting. However experts suggest that it may make sense to switch
the focus from stopping the fighting (which after all teaches valuable skills)
to stopping the rivalry. The rivalry is the thing that can cause
lifelong damage between siblings. Below are some tips from childhood
development specialists (including Sharon Silver, author of “Stop Reacting
and Start Responding”, Dr Sigmund Norr from the Cleveland Clinic Children’s
Hospital and empoweringparents.com) on making the switch from stopping the
fighting to tackling the cause of the problem and stopping the rivalry:
1. Stay calm, quiet and in control: pay attention to what
your kids are doing so you can intervene before a situation
escalates. Keep your cool and your kids will learn to do the same.
2. Remember that it takes two to tangle: rarely will you witness
all the events leading up to the fight – avoid playing the blame game.
3. Don’t be judge and jury: most parents feel the
urge to try to step in and help resolve issues. The problem with
this is that kids don’t learn how to resolve things themselves. When
a parent decides who is right and who is wrong and what should be done about
that then one child will feel angry and the other will feel like a
winner. They are not working together to practice the resolution
skills they need to develop in order to be successful in later life.
4. Be a facilitator: to get your kids to be on the same team you need to
help facilitate and help guide them towards resolution of their own
fights. In order to do this you need to teach them how to express
the feelings that motivated the fight in the first place. For
example“Sophie, why are you angry? Please give me 3 ideas you think
will help work this out” – ask both children the same questions and treat them
fairly. Listen when they talk through the feelings that motivated
the fight – they will most likely be frustrated and emotional at this
stage, and whilst this is no excuse for negative or aggressive behavior,
children will be more likely to cooperate if they feel they are being heard.
5. Explain that we don’t hurt those
we love.
6. Don’t compare your kids: comparing kids does not
make them rise up and work harder – it makes them feel resentment and lack of
self worth. Rather, create opportunities for cooperation and
compromise. Bear in mind that how parents interact with each other
sets an example for how their children interact, so don’t forget to set a good
example!
7. Focus on each child’s unique talents: help create high self-esteem
in your kids by using “specific praise” – ie focused on their unique talents –
rather than global praise. Avoid labels / pigeonholing and let each
child know that he / she is special to you by spending time with them
individually.
8. If a spat between the siblings results
in the need for punishment, avoid making the conversation public: this can shame a child in
front of their siblings, creating greater animosity between them.
When you’re in the midst of the battle-zone it’s easy
to feel that it’s only your kids who fight like cat and dog. Take comfort
from the fact that it’s an inevitable part of growing up for children who have
siblings and it teaches them valuable skills that will be very useful to them
in later life. There is nothing you can do as a parent to completely
remove normal sibling rivalry and jealousy from your
kids’ lives. What you can do though, is to make sure that
there’s enough love and positive reinforcement for each of your children,
whilst at the same time setting limits on the amount of chaos that ensues from
this bickering behaviour.
Remember that in time, things usually settle
down. Your children will most likely continue to squabble from
time-to-time, but eventually you will start to see signs of bonding between
them.
References:
Sharon Silver, author of “Stop Reacting and Start Responding”
Dr Sigmund Norr from the Cleveland Clinic Children’s Hospital
empoweringparents.com
Babycentre.co.uk
